So I wanted to write down some of the more serious and
thought provoking things that I have been pondering over (in the few brief
moments when I can have the time for introspection lol) during these last few
days with Lexy. I knew being a mother
would change me in so many ways, most that I don't even know what they will be
yet. But I've already learned a few
things about myself and about God and His care for me as His adopted child
through the work of Christ Jesus... For
anyone who cares, I thought I'd write it down and share and also so that I
wouldn't forget it.
One of the first realizations happened in an odd way. So we were walking around town in Sofia, and
I went to place Lexy back in her carrier after she had been walking with Luke
for a bit (holding his hand, getting some exercise). Her leg got caught in one of the straps and I
didn't realize it immediately until she started to cry. That was the first time I ever heard her cry;
that was very hard. This caused me to think about discomfort in my own
life. When (not “if” lol) I mess up in
some way in caring for Lexy, all I can do is try and do better afterwards, I can't provide any higher
purpose/meaning for her sake in those moments of discomfort or difficulty that
I accidently cause her. But God, my
heavenly Father, first of all will never make mistakes in caring for His
children in Christ. When difficulties or
painful things come into my life, it is for a purpose. God in His sovereignty will bring meaning
from any trials I might go through in this life. Unlike me, He isn't scrambling to make up for
past parenting failures or trying to come up with a plan B for an unexpected
situation. As I read in James Chapter 1:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,
whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of
your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so
that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you
lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding
fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe
and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and
tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything
from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they
do. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high
position. But the rich should take pride
in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun
rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its
beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they
go about their business. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because,
having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord
has promised to those who love him."
The second thing that I've realized over these last few days
is how much I want to make everything all right for her. I want her to be happy, healthy, safe, warm,
well fed, clothed, have things and others to play with, not grieve, feel loved,
all the time. That just isn't possible,
no matter how much I try. There will be
many outside things beyond my control that will happen and like I said above, I
will make mistakes that will compromise that goal. But when I think about the day of Christ's
return, He really will be able to make all things right, completely. There won't be any aspect of life that He
can't make perfect on that day; even on my best days, I can never do that. And He won't just do that for one person, but
in His power He will accomplish this for all His children in Christ! That, at least to me, is such a beautiful
comfort and realization and until I had Lexy, the weight of that hadn't really
hit me. It is definitely a reason for
joy! I couldn’t help but think of
Revelation 21:
"Then I saw ‘a new heaven and a new earth,’ for the
first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any
sea. I saw the Holy City, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven
from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard
a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among
the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself
will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their
eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old
order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am
making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are
trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the
Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost
from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will
inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be My children."
Third, I have come to a greater understanding and am more in
awe of Christ's selflessness in His coming to earth and sacrifice. During these last few days, I have done all I
could think to do to show Lexy that her needs are above mine. Sometimes this put me in uncomfortable
positions, like on the plane, positioning myself in a way that would allow her
to sleep comfortably but made me unable to.
I've sacrificed sleep and sometimes not eaten immediately when I was
hungry so I could be there for her. I'd
love to say that I've done all this with a humble and non-complaining attitude
all the time, but that would not be true.
It is a struggle sometimes, especially when I am tired or
frustrated/confused because I don't know what she wants/needs or why she is
upset. And she is so young that she
can't have any appreciation for all I am trying to do for her. For many years to come, I will do my best to
show her true selflessness and sacrifice for others, but I will fail many
times, if not outwardly in action, definitely inwardly in my grumbling thoughts
or attitude. One of the best things I
can do to show her true self-sacrifice and service to others is to point her to
Christ, the Son of God, both God and man.
He lived the perfect sinless life that we never could; He came to earth,
leaving His throne and glory for this messed up world, full of people who did
not appreciate in the least who He truly was or all that He was doing for
them. He was mocked, betrayed, lied
about, spit on, beaten, stripped naked, and killed by crucifixion on a Roman
cross to take the guilt of our sin against a holy God! The creator of the world humbling Himself
beyond imagination for an ungrateful people, that is the pinnacle of
selflessness! I love Paul's description
of this in Philippians 2:
“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united
with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit,
if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being
like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain
conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your
own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your
relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who,
being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be
used to his own advantage; rather, He made himself nothing by taking the very
nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in
appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to death—even
death on a cross! Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place and gave him the
name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that
Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
Lastly, I have learned that God truly does give us what we
need to make it through each day. Often I wake up (earlier than I'd like, considering
when I went to bed) and wonder how I will make it through another day. I have quickly realized that on my own
strength/will, I won't. But each day I
realize at the end of it that I did make it through, and that is due to God's
kindness. As Paul put it so much better
than I could in 2 Corinthians 12:
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away
from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power
is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about
my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for
Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions,
in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
As I was laying in
bed at the hotel in Bulgaria the night before we were to get on a 6:40 AM
flight, trying to sleep, the Rich Mullins song "hold me Jesus" kept coming
to mind. I was struggling with my exhaustion (and we hadn't even left Bulgaria
yet) and worry over how the flights would go and how she would do and I was
also thinking about the next 18 years or so and how I would be able to parent.
I can say I definitely have a greater appreciation for and understanding of
this song now. I'd suggest a listen.
Luke Wayne is a bi-vocational Baptist
missionary in Utah and the chief editor for Perilous Trails. He holds an MDiv
from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and an MA in Theological Studies from
Midwestern Baptist College. He has served as a church planter in Olathe, KS and
a Homeless Shelter Manager in Kansas City, MO. He is also a husband, father, fisher,
hiker, security officer, and raiser of livestock. 
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